Ignore the haters, New Year’s Eve is the crown jewel of the holidays

The holidays are done. You have bid adieu to your family. Your friends from out of town are still charmed by the city, in no small part because of the smoke and mirrors you orchestrated as a feeble attempt to convince them to move back. The season is boldly charging toward the crown jewel of the holidays, New Year’s Eve. 

But what’s this? I hear rumblings, complaints even, about this faultless night. The people cry out. 

“I’m financially burdened,” shouts this one. 

“It will never live up to expectations!” calls another. 

I swat their concerns away coldly. How far society has fallen. These are the concerns of a mind not yet expanded. I steady my gaze and rise stalwartly to the occasion. 

I now consider it my duty to defend the sterling reputation of New Year’s Eve and lead the masses, doula-like, through the end of 2018’s canal and into the warm waiting arms of 2019. 

Never go to a New Year’s party you can’t shuffle home from.– Sean Dunham

Let’s say you crack open your beautiful eyes on Jan. 1 and are sucker-punched by a hangover so brawny and robust that you can’t help but grudgingly admire the work it put in to splitting your skull in half. That just means that your year is guaranteed to improve! You’ve laid the plans for a better future and that is so important. A coconut water, a saline drip and 48 hours of dutiful napping seems a small price to pay for an evening of merriment. 

The New Years’ detractors believe they have another ace up their sleeve. 

“I have nothing to wear,” they moan smugly. “It makes no sense to buy an outfit for just one evening.”

Now, am I saying that you need to go out and buy an expensive, impractical, wear-a-handful-of-times shiny outfit? Absolutely I am. If you are not greeting the new year with a crop of fresh sequin scratches on you and your closest friends, you are doing it wrong. 

If financial issues are poking their little nose into your business, think outside the box. Fashion a tunic out of aluminum foil. Fasten a lightweight chandelier to your head. Make a belt using only broken glass. These are simple, easy ways to amp up New Year’s fashion without breaking your pocketbook. 

“Now, am I saying that you need to go out and buy an expensive, impractical, wear-a-handful-of-times shiny outfit? Absolutely I am.”

Getting a ride home is a complete nightmare. This is a fair concern and one that will not be dealt with lightly. 

I think we’ve all been in the position when you decide to wrap your night up and suddenly find yourself on a south end acreage. Your friend has a coat made of tinsel, you are inexplicably wearing two disco balls for shoes and the owner of the house has been wearing a nightgown for an hour. 

Cabs are a cruel mistress. Never go to a New Year’s party you can’t shuffle home from. Failing that, gently start reaching out to your sober acquaintances. That man you went to a two-day conference with in 2008 but friended on Facebook might just be the saviour you seek. Feel free to foist responsibility on someone else; it’s New Years!

By now I have no doubt assuaged every concern in your arsenal. If all else fails, Auld Lang Syne is a great song to sing and and an even easier one to pronounce. 

If you follow my advice to the letter, you will be sure to have a happy, safe and festive New Years’ Eve. See you next year!

Just don’t try to kiss anyone at midnight. It’s weird.

This column is part of CBC’s Opinion section. For more information about this section, please read this editor’s blog and our FAQ

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